So I've been in this new job for ~2 months now. It's a Chinese company.

So far, my back and neck are dying cos the chairs aren't adjustable so I slouch. For some reason there's no drawers on my desk, so everything I own is on the table top or the stool next to me. I'm not bringing my full desk set yet cos we expect to be moving offices soon, but not sure when lol 

I'll say in comparison to my old place, this place certainly fares better in teamwork and team spirit. But I suppose that's difficult to achieve in a larger company like my last one, where there's literally no time to appreciate every single person.

I wonder sometimes if I made the wrong decision doing this. I sort of miss talking to more people, being more on the move. I now walk an average of 6000 steps a day, in contrast to the 10k I was managing last time. I also miss looking at more packages, rather than just one that I am now. 

Also, they sort of hinted today that I don't really OT.

I was also the butt of the OT jokes back at the old place, where people say my life is good cos I don't OT much lol it sorta sucks cos I know I'm doing my work, and I think I didn't suck at it, considering how they still sometimes call me in to ask stuff lol 

But I think maybe it does mean I don't actually have that much to do lol but when I really think about it, I still don't see what else I could do that would warrant OT-ing every day lol 

I call this toxic work culture. 

Not that everyone who works overtime are bullshitting their bosses; but it doesn't mean people who don't, have it easy at work. Perhaps we're just faster at our jobs lol 

Maybe I need to start advertising how absolutely ~tired I am.

Seriously though, I've seen a lot of people who work really hard when they don't actually have to lol 

I also really need a chiropractor my neck is dying

Allow me to be self centered for my own blog.

 CONTEXT:

It was 4pm, I was at client's office with my teammate and bosses. The consultant walks in, the bosses get a text and tells us they have to go back immediately. I get 50% curious but mostly annoyed. 

10 minutes later, my other colleague at site office texts me saying "shit the office boy tested positive we're doomed"

2 minutes later, client swings in and says "uh...I think this has to be postponed. I just got informed there's a positive case in site"

An hour later we were all sent to Prince Court to get ourselves tested. Thus my 2 hour long panic begins -

where do I go?? Do I go home?? my parents are old?? 

My mother rationalized and says if I am positive, I would've been positive before this day and I should just go home - a rationale I ignored cos I'm dumb.

My colleague (S) instead offers me a room to stay for the night while we wait for our results, which I take cos  my head was still hot from the hysteria.

My results came out negative the next day @ 4pm. I thank my colleague and go home relieved - we're saved! My parents aren't gonna die in Sungai Buloh! 

Went home and took a full body shower, before sitting down for dinner discussing the day's events.

8pm: S calls, crying, and tells me she's tested positive.

AND SO:

The ensuing panic of preparing the front room for me to stay in, while I whimper in a corner, confirming the world truly cannot let me rest without having some sort of reason to be anxious.

I spend the next few days micro-analyzing my interaction with her in that one day. I didn't really spend a lot of time with her prior due to personal reasons, so it could only be:

a) the one lunch (since literally almost two months) that same day with our ex-subcon, or 

b) the juice she made and insisted I drink (I really, really don't quite enjoy juice like this haha)

The crippling anxiety that I could've infected my family too through dinner renders me useless and I lose my appetite for two days. I can't lie down or do anything without the pang of paranoia slapping me across the face - my chest hurts, my throat itches, my body feels hot.

I open instagram and a lot of the friends I follow are out, having good food. I look out my window and the sun is setting. It hits me that life moves on, whether I die or not. I realize that even if I die today, the world truly isn't that affected - the sun still rises, the clouds still move, people still go to work.

I open Youtube/Netflix to watch shows and I am nostalgic over safer times, when we could touch stuff outside and not get paranoid over being infected by a disease (realistically the risk is still there but not as high).

Spammed multiple friend groups (or to anybody who would listen and not judge) with anxiety stickers praying I test negative. I received mostly lukewarm responses of "it'll be okays". Verinia stopped replying at one point cos she got tired of it hahahaha (what kind of friend....)

Cheryl was more empathetic cos she freaks out over shit like this too like me haha *cries*

AFTERMATH:

I tested negative today!

I don't have a fever!

My throat still itches but it's okay! I'm negative!

Suddenly, covid seems like lightyears away from us! I feel immune! I can fly!

Okay let's continue on. I have emails to reply and work starts next week.

Wow the last I posted was 6 months ago 

Thinking back at how I used to post something every single day, makes me feel so old haha 

don't blog as much anymore cos I just unload my feelings on Whatsapp 

And cos I have so much rage within me (see note: my spirit is a 60 y/o uncle ala Ove from A Man Called Ove), I tend to split it between 4-5 groups...but I can tell people are getting tired of it haha case in point, Verinia told me to get a life and stop dwelling on things so much

Not gonna lie, it hurt a little, but I totally understand why people would feel this way hahaha I know how it feels being on the receiving end of constant nagging about ~annoying things

I wish I had a larger threshold for people's "quirks" (usually it's general idiocy/ laziness) 

I make myself feel better by saying it means I have a more boss attitude for life (shut up), but really I probably just really do need a life.

------------------------------------------------------------

Been having drops in my mood recently (usually occurring around my period...) cos all I feel is varying amounts of empty inside. I guess this is what those sad poetry mean when they say you're just a shell - all hollow inside.

I don't know what I'm doing here. Every day I wake up, go to work and then go home. There is literally nothing I can do, or dare to do, cos of the whole covid situation. 

I mean, I can't blame my lack of life on covid, but it certainly isn't helping!!! I'm already anti-social! I'm already cripplingly awkward around people! Ugh

------------------------------------------------------------

This morning I went to the sky garden one level down from the site office to menikmati air segar but there were workers lurking around so I felt awkward (workers tend to stare a lot lol it's quite creepy) so I just walked around and U turned back. 

In the short 5 minutes walking, my eyes got a little wet for no reason at all. I just got hit by a sudden wave of feels for nothing.

It was like a culmination of sadness and total nothingness. 

I'm 24 and I have no life.

This is so depressing.

------------------------------------------------------------

The people in the office want to know why I don't have a boyfriend

People who know me for longer have probably accepted the fact that I will be the way I am forever

Me?

I don't know lol it's not that I'm strictly against having a partner, I just haven't really developed anything beyond crushes, cos the people I like don't like me, and the people who do, I just cannot bring myself to like lol 

I'm just destined for a life alone at this point hahaha 

It just concerns me cos the people around me are gonna slowly get married off and soon I will truly be alone, cos everybody would be even more busy with their personal family lives to entertain my regular rages lol no one will be there to even send sticker responses to my texts

Maybe I need a hobby? But what?

------------------------------------------------------------

Last month, the company realized the project they've been eyeing has been put on hold (agAIN) till the indefinite future (rumor has it, it'll be reopened April 2021, but the insiders I know are being transferred to other departments, so probably not....) 

and so, they've starting sending termination letters out. A whole bunch of people are gonna leave end November/ December... 

My boss told me I would've been let go end November, but he extended it to December.

Two weeks ago, he told me to send him my CV so he can try to land me in another project.

So far? No news yet - typical of this company I'm in lol they literally tell you nothing until the absolute last minute.

Which is why it's really frustrating if I stay - I'll have to endure their shitty management and planning for even longer.

The pros? They have the backup money to pay us our salaries

The cons? I probably won't learn much except subordination lol 

Trying other places now but nothing back yet.... I'm quite concerned.

Please pray for me

I'm just gonna talk whatever here lol I ain't no writer, I'm not gonna have a cohesive train of thought.

I'm so accustomed to writing emails I almost started this post with "Dear all," lol

But hey! I just checked the last date of posting and it's been an entire year??? Now that we're stuck in a quarantine, it warrants hauling out my laptop and charger haha still didn't replace the battery cos I can't bear to split with 500 bucks for a new one so I'm running on DC.

Even though I spend 500 bucks on sneakers no problem now #millenialissues

Man, so much happened but it seems like nothing now. I'm still with the same company, still pondering my existence in this world every passing moment.


The end of 2019 was one of the darker moments - I found myself crying in front of the screen when work started based on the sheer thought of doing all this for the next 10??20?? years of my life. Like, is this really what I want to do with the rest of my life??

I blame this mini crisis for my increased caffeine consumption lol I spend about 200 bucks a month on iced coffee cos I can't start work happy without some indulging. Though I try to limit myself to one iced coffee maximum every other day haha

It's not like I hate anybody I work with (although truthfully sometimes they drive me up the wall with their inconsistencies and lack of work ethic);

I think mainly, I'm just really bored with what I'm doing.

I'm not really making a huge difference, nor am I actually growing anymore. Now, I'm just here to finish the job lol and I've always had an issue with finishing anything.

When I first joined this job, I fluctuated between "yeah! I'm gonna finish this project and it's gonna look great on my portfolio! I'm gonna go places!!" and "oh my god what am I doing with my youth"


And okay, in one of my darkest moments of working with the company, I suddenly got the opportunity to go to the head office in Seoul and it was a pretty cool experience. But it makes one question - what next? This is as good as the company is gonna offer me; I have no future in this company cos a) I'm not Korean, b) I don't speak Korean, and c) I'm not really obedient 100% of the time and I don't think I can survive in their culture lol it's so limiting! I want to speak my mind! I want to have opinions!

And okay, so you're gonna tell me to find a new job already and put myself out of this misery.

But truthfully? I'm working for the cash now. As much as we complain about the company, it's not like they treat us like shit lol how many places can match your salary, guarantee a bonus and increment, and feed you so much shit every few months (literally, there's a staff welfare budget lol we get random Haagen Dazs or imported fruit)??? And the people I work with (ok, just a small percentage haha) know their shit and I get to learn new stuff.

But is it time to move on? Broaden my horizons?

Brad Leone - my main crush from the BA test kitchen

I've been watching Bon Appetit videos a lot (even before this quarantine) and like, this is what I envision my life to be! Brainstorming and creating with people like me but not like me (generally, architects tend to be....really pretentious....or I just lack the ~sense~ idk)

At the same time... I can barely mince garlic hahahahahahahaha
And I also hate so many food groups........ I'll probably be a really shit chef on the basis that I dislike so many things and for the things that I like, I'm really particular with how I like them

So really, what is my calling?? I'm not particularly good at anything? I can't finish anything I start cos I get distracted lol I don't know what these articles about Tauruses are on when they say we're finishers cos I generally don't finish anything I start lol except for the ones that can be finished in one day.

Case in point, I'm bored of writing lol

Bye!

idk if I could ever quit Instagram or Twitter, but I don't think it's all that important seeing how I dont have damn time to do anything on those platforms anyway lol. Or the Internet connection cos idk why admin pulled out the router at my corner of the office so we all have to play tug of war with the other departments T___T Mr M pls consider reinstalling the router T___T

but hey!
I'm back!
I got a job! It's my third month here and I'm working with Korean managers!
There's also only three other Chinese in the office!
The others are all Malay and like. A couple of Indians!
I feel like this is how the world compensates all the Chinese I'd been surrounded by in uni for the past four years hahaha time to brush up on my already cripplingly bad Malay
Seriously I'm so hopeless with Malay hahaha I need like 2 minutes to process what they're telling me but when I finally get it they've already explained it over in English hahaha

I won't go into detail about my work experience (so far)
I can only say that maybe I'm being too fussy and I complain too much about other people's mistakes, when I myself make a ton as well.
It's not really about the mistakes only either, it's the fact that nobody cares despite of it lol. I know y'all are only here to get the name on your resume or just looking for a salary but like, can you have some sort of commitment or passion in what you're doing?!?! Otherwise what is the damn point of working there?? Please try to be proud of your work, no matter what you're doing.


What is the point of waking up so early every day if you're not proud of what you're doing!?
I am so sick of some people's attitudes of being too comfortable and being okay with their work quality. Or maybe it's cos I have Archi background and we're taught that your work will never be perfect and there will always be room for improvement; subsequently we have higher standards for ourselves and have simultaneously horrible self esteems but egos the size of Mars.

But seriously people!
Please!
DO YOUR WORK PROPERLY. Yes, it won't be perfect but it doesn't mean you can feel content about the state of it!
Please have some humility and feel some shame!